sisters
After last night's post: family drama. Kimmie got a phone call from her older sister Joanne, whom she had mailed a birthday card last week, and with whom she has not spoken since the stormy scenes following the death of their eldest brother Freddie on Valentine's Day. Kimmie was hoping to reopen communication with the sister to whom she'd always been closest (they're 3 years apart in age), but at a respectful distance to begin with, since Kim didn't want to gloss over Jo's near-berserk fury at their parting.
Kimmie had consulted with me before sending the card. She had drafted the message she wanted to put inside the simple greeting card, and wanted my input.
"I've felt so good, so healthy these last few months," she said, "but I think it's time to try to get in touch with Jo again. She's probably feeling awful inside."
Having witnessed this happiness and health in my wife over the past few months, after the trauma surrounding Freddie's death, I was none too keen about her reconnecting with Joanne, who has spent much of the 20 years I've been with Kimmie in trying to drive a wedge between us, out of jealousy. But I have always believed in freedom of association, and it was not my call to make.
"Do you know how you're going to handle her?" I said.
"Yes. I won't start out by trying to get too close, or by denying what happened."
"What are the rules of engagement for someone with borderline personality disorder?" I said.
We are both convinced that Joanne has this disorder, described in the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus. People with this disorder are even more trying and exhausting to be around than other mentally ill people.
"What are the three components of SET?" I said.
SET is an acronym for the attitudes and actions that one should take when dealing with a borderline personality. We had to look them up again: support, empathy, and truth. One is to be supportive of the sufferer, empathize with what she is feeling, but also to speak the truth--not let the person dodge the facts of a situation.
It was all for naught. While I didn't listen in detail, I could hear Kimmie's voice rise from low and calm to a more emotional, defensive tone. By the time I got out to the kitchen the women were trying to interrupt each other, and then Kimmie abruptly hung up. I thought she'd hung up on Jo, but Jo had hung up on her. Kim was very shaken, angry, and hurt. I knelt by her to comfort her as best I could.
Kimmie remains depressed and upset, miserable. As someone whose only experience of Joanne has been essentially as a rival and enemy, I have never been able to understand the nature of their bond. Twenty years ago, when Kimmie and I were first going out, they went through a similar (though less intense, I think) grind when Joanne had been trying to take Robin away from Kim (yes! her own daughter!) and became furious when Kim told their father Fred, who had told Joanne to back off. At the time I thought, I would turn my back on that woman and walk away for good. I could not see what positive advantage could compensate for such vicious bullying. I still can't. Now, finally, Kim can't either.
Kimmie had consulted with me before sending the card. She had drafted the message she wanted to put inside the simple greeting card, and wanted my input.
"I've felt so good, so healthy these last few months," she said, "but I think it's time to try to get in touch with Jo again. She's probably feeling awful inside."
Having witnessed this happiness and health in my wife over the past few months, after the trauma surrounding Freddie's death, I was none too keen about her reconnecting with Joanne, who has spent much of the 20 years I've been with Kimmie in trying to drive a wedge between us, out of jealousy. But I have always believed in freedom of association, and it was not my call to make.
"Do you know how you're going to handle her?" I said.
"Yes. I won't start out by trying to get too close, or by denying what happened."
"What are the rules of engagement for someone with borderline personality disorder?" I said.
We are both convinced that Joanne has this disorder, described in the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus. People with this disorder are even more trying and exhausting to be around than other mentally ill people.
"What are the three components of SET?" I said.
SET is an acronym for the attitudes and actions that one should take when dealing with a borderline personality. We had to look them up again: support, empathy, and truth. One is to be supportive of the sufferer, empathize with what she is feeling, but also to speak the truth--not let the person dodge the facts of a situation.
It was all for naught. While I didn't listen in detail, I could hear Kimmie's voice rise from low and calm to a more emotional, defensive tone. By the time I got out to the kitchen the women were trying to interrupt each other, and then Kimmie abruptly hung up. I thought she'd hung up on Jo, but Jo had hung up on her. Kim was very shaken, angry, and hurt. I knelt by her to comfort her as best I could.
Kimmie remains depressed and upset, miserable. As someone whose only experience of Joanne has been essentially as a rival and enemy, I have never been able to understand the nature of their bond. Twenty years ago, when Kimmie and I were first going out, they went through a similar (though less intense, I think) grind when Joanne had been trying to take Robin away from Kim (yes! her own daughter!) and became furious when Kim told their father Fred, who had told Joanne to back off. At the time I thought, I would turn my back on that woman and walk away for good. I could not see what positive advantage could compensate for such vicious bullying. I still can't. Now, finally, Kim can't either.
posted by paulv at
4:14 PM
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